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The formula of self-love, or what self-worth really is
No one is born with love for themselves. Yet psychology tells us that this feeling is deeply important and, in many ways, shapes both our behavior and our relationships with other people. So what exactly is it?
The first attempt to describe a "formula of self-love" was made by the American philosopher William James at the end of the 19th century. He described self-esteem as a fraction: in the numerator are our achievements, and in the denominator our aspirations — the goals we set for ourselves. When the fraction is less than one, we feel like failures; when it is equal to or greater than one, we feel satisfied and are able to value ourselves.
Existential analysis operates with a broader concept — self-worth (which should not be confused with self-esteem). Self-worth is the lived ability to feel and recognize one’s own value and uniqueness, to accept both weaknesses and achievements without constantly judging them, and to calmly understand that being human means being imperfect.
For a sense of self-worth to emerge, we need the loving gaze of another person. Only in that gaze — as if in a mirror — can we see our own face. Most often, this "other" is initially a parent or another significant adult from our childhood.
Yet regardless of how our childhood unfolded, we are now adults, and we can decide for ourselves what to do with our lives. And that is good news. The task then becomes strengthening our inner sense of value if it feels unstable.
Self-worth develops through an inner dialogue, through the habit of asking ourselves again and again: What happened? How do I feel? What do I think about it?
The self — the "I" — is what allows these capacities to grow: the ability to see oneself, because we once learned this from others; the ability to treat oneself fairly and take oneself seriously; and the ability to notice and nurture one’s own value.
In a sense, our self-worth stands on two legs.
The first leg is our achievements — the life tasks we have managed to accomplish: receiving an education, building a family, becoming a professional whom others turn to for help, and many other meaningful steps.
The second leg is the recognition of our inherent value: I am valuable simply because I exist, regardless of my achievements.
What does this mean? It means that each of us is a unique person, with a particular set of traits, impressions, sympathies and antipathies, with our own unrepeatable life experience. At times this uniqueness may seem insignificant or even useless — yet it is precisely for these qualities that other people love us, value us, remember us, keep the gifts we have given them. In our own way, we make their lives richer.
If one of these legs is weak, a certain imbalance appears in our relationship with ourselves and with the world. Often both "legs" are unsteady. People who do not feel their own worth tend to blame themselves harshly. When they are hurt or deceived, they may believe they somehow deserved it. They neglect their health, pay little attention to their appearance, and quietly assume that caring for themselves is pointless — for someone like me. They feel they have no real right to happiness, and so they settle for a life that merely provides a tolerable existence, without much joy or fulfillment.
What helps us stand more firmly on these two legs?
It helps to build a constructive dialogue with the inner critic. Notice that the goal is not to defeat or destroy it. After all, its voice sometimes points to things that are not so easy to dismiss: it highlights our real mistakes and shortcomings, as if marking them with a bright highlighter. As a signpost showing our "weak spots," it can even be useful — if we approach it wisely.
It also helps to notice when we are giving ourselves a fair evaluation, and to surround ourselves with people who are capable of offering us fair and thoughtful feedback.
Another important task is learning to distinguish the voice of conscience — which protects our well-being and integrity — from the voice of the inner critic, which often aims at undermining our sense of value.
To feel one’s own worth, to accept oneself, and to treat oneself with respect is one of the fundamental human needs. Without it, life can become dull and joyless. After all, we live under the same roof with someone very important — ourselves. And if that relationship is far from harmonious, it may be worth working on it. Because when our relationship with ourselves begins to change, our relationships with others inevitably begin to change as well.
Existential analysis operates with a broader concept — self-worth (which should not be confused with self-esteem). Self-worth is the lived ability to feel and recognize one’s own value and uniqueness, to accept both weaknesses and achievements without constantly judging them, and to calmly understand that being human means being imperfect.
For a sense of self-worth to emerge, we need the loving gaze of another person. Only in that gaze — as if in a mirror — can we see our own face. Most often, this "other" is initially a parent or another significant adult from our childhood.
Yet regardless of how our childhood unfolded, we are now adults, and we can decide for ourselves what to do with our lives. And that is good news. The task then becomes strengthening our inner sense of value if it feels unstable.
Self-worth develops through an inner dialogue, through the habit of asking ourselves again and again: What happened? How do I feel? What do I think about it?
The self — the "I" — is what allows these capacities to grow: the ability to see oneself, because we once learned this from others; the ability to treat oneself fairly and take oneself seriously; and the ability to notice and nurture one’s own value.
In a sense, our self-worth stands on two legs.
The first leg is our achievements — the life tasks we have managed to accomplish: receiving an education, building a family, becoming a professional whom others turn to for help, and many other meaningful steps.
The second leg is the recognition of our inherent value: I am valuable simply because I exist, regardless of my achievements.
What does this mean? It means that each of us is a unique person, with a particular set of traits, impressions, sympathies and antipathies, with our own unrepeatable life experience. At times this uniqueness may seem insignificant or even useless — yet it is precisely for these qualities that other people love us, value us, remember us, keep the gifts we have given them. In our own way, we make their lives richer.
If one of these legs is weak, a certain imbalance appears in our relationship with ourselves and with the world. Often both "legs" are unsteady. People who do not feel their own worth tend to blame themselves harshly. When they are hurt or deceived, they may believe they somehow deserved it. They neglect their health, pay little attention to their appearance, and quietly assume that caring for themselves is pointless — for someone like me. They feel they have no real right to happiness, and so they settle for a life that merely provides a tolerable existence, without much joy or fulfillment.
What helps us stand more firmly on these two legs?
It helps to build a constructive dialogue with the inner critic. Notice that the goal is not to defeat or destroy it. After all, its voice sometimes points to things that are not so easy to dismiss: it highlights our real mistakes and shortcomings, as if marking them with a bright highlighter. As a signpost showing our "weak spots," it can even be useful — if we approach it wisely.
It also helps to notice when we are giving ourselves a fair evaluation, and to surround ourselves with people who are capable of offering us fair and thoughtful feedback.
Another important task is learning to distinguish the voice of conscience — which protects our well-being and integrity — from the voice of the inner critic, which often aims at undermining our sense of value.
To feel one’s own worth, to accept oneself, and to treat oneself with respect is one of the fundamental human needs. Without it, life can become dull and joyless. After all, we live under the same roof with someone very important — ourselves. And if that relationship is far from harmonious, it may be worth working on it. Because when our relationship with ourselves begins to change, our relationships with others inevitably begin to change as well.